thehappyberry

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 08:45:02 GMT

I have decided the most annoying thing is when you can't get someone out of your head, but they aren't the someone that should be there. Lately I've been dreaming a lot about Ben. Mostly it is just hanging out, playing pool like we used to, and strangely a dream about going furniture shopping. The hard part is the things Dream Ben says. In the playing pool dream, he told me his biggest regret was dating Allison and losing any chance he ever had with me. In the furniture shopping dream, he told me that he felt like he could easily fall in love with me again. I know it is all stupid and silly and just dreams. However, that isn't stopping my brain from thinking about all this. I've never really gotten over my crush on Ben, and feel like Allison stole what should have been mine. I'm just sad I didn't get another chance after they broke up. The worst part of it is I want to get back in touch with him, but don't know how. We haven't talked since he started dating Allison, then I left for Wyoming, and he didn't really come back to the friends she caused him to lose. Whenever I do see him, things are awkward, and I don't even know how he would feel if I tried to initiate contact again. I hate not knowing what to say to somebody that used to be one of my closest friends! I hate to think I lost him forever, and obviously it really upsets my subconscious. But, in the end, I think it has already happened, and there isn't anything I can do about it, except mourn and wonder what kind of strange things we'll do in my dreams next. And, hate Allison, but that is always a given.

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 04:25:44 GMT

Finally finished the rough draft of my thesis proposal. I'm so glad to have that done, now to just do about 37 thousand revisions of it, and then turn it into a thesis, and then defend it, and then graduate with my fancy degree! It is nice to feel like I've finally taken a step toward that. Even the field work didn't quite feel like it since I've spent almost every summer out in the field for the past 5 or so years. I'm also glad I got it done so I could relax over Labor Day weekend in Bozeman.

The long weekend was fun. Nick and I were a lovely combination between me and my semi-useless left arm and his broken thumb and allergies. But, it was nice to spend time with him. I feel a little bad for not spending more time with Lindsay. But, while Nick is fun and nice to be around, she is just so negative. I sometimes feel like the best thing she could do is seek professional help. I don't see how someone can function full of so much negativity. I can't keep taking it on a trying to help her. I have enough of my own stress to deal with, I can't take all of hers on too, especially if she is just going to complain about it, not actually do anything about it. Oh well.

I guess other than that, things are pretty good for me. I love Moscow, and am finally making friends here. I'm in range club, part of a study group for my statistics class, and just generally getting more comfortable here. I do spend more time that I would really like alone, but I'm getting used to it, and part of me likes it. I'm really kind of a solitary person, and okay with it.

Writer's Block: It Sounds Better When You Say It

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 21:05:00 GMT

No matter what language you speak, you've probably come across words or phrases in another language that sound better than their equivalents in your native tongue. What's your favorite word or phrase in a foreign language?

View 507 Answers

Jeg elsker deg, It is Danish for I love you. Though, it is also very similar in Swedish and I think Norwegian. But, somehow it just seems even sweeter than I love you in English.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 05:00:55 GMT

I just booked my tickets for sunny San Diego. I'm way super excited for this trip! Except Seattle I've never been to the West Coast, and I haven't been to the beach in years when I went in North Carolina. Lindsay and I are starting to discuss things to do while there. We might go on a super sweet whale and other wildlife watching trip. That would be fabulous. There is also talk of Tijuana, Legoland, and of course beach. I have been promised beach, and I demand beach! And shopping. I don't necessarily want to go shopping, but if we could go somewhere with lots of local stores, I would be so very happy and have a great time. I can't wait!

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:52:21 GMT

I really feel like I should post here more, but I'm not so good at the witty life observations, rarely have random links or pictures to post, and the rest of my life seems to be "miss bozeman, moscow is great, nick is dumb but I still really like him." I guess it is good, but in some ways a little sad I have so little to talk about. Or, maybe I have more and am just not realizing it.

I leave for my spring break in San Diego for a few weeks, but fear it is not going to be everything I want. Sure, there will be sun and beach, but I'm going to be staying with somebody I don't know, am going to be a third wheel, and even if I see and think Lindsay is getting in over her head, I can't say or do anything. Problem is I've been through a lot of what she is happening to her. The situations aren't identical, but similar. I want to tell her it is a bad idea, I want to protect her from whatever I think is going to happen, but I know that sin't going to work. I owudln't have listened to anybody, she won't listen to me. She's even admitted as much, and I really can't blame her. I guess I'm just going to have to sit and wait and hope things end up okay. And keep in mind that even if the trip to San Diego isn't perfect, I get beach and warm and sunshine!

Writer's Block: Jackpot

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:09:37 GMT

Part of me want to do the practical paying off of student loans, pay off my parent's house, take those trips to Russia and Greece I've always wanted and then set the rest aside.

But, the other part of me knows that would never get set aside. I"m getting me that my Shelby Cobra, and a puppy, and a shopping spree where I can buy expensive clothes that look awesome on me because if they don't a very expensive tailor will fix that fact.

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 18:24:06 GMT

I finally graduated college! Well, I did it a week ago, but it still doesn't seem real. I didn't get the Pomp and Circumstance commencement ceremony (why does MSU hate its December grads?), I'm still going on to more school, and I am still in some denial since I don't want to leave Bozeman. It seems like I finally get happy somewhere and I have to leave. It happened in high school when I finally figured out where I belonged, then graduated. The semester in Wyoming made me feel like I really belonged there, I had my cousin, my amazing range friends, and my awesome Kappa friends. It was such a great time, but I only got a semester there. Then, this last semester I found a really great friend in Lindsay and some other happy things, and now I'm out of there. It wasn't perfect, it got a little boring being at the same place doing the same thing each day, but the people made it worth it.

But, on the other side of all that, I'm so ridiculously excited for graduate school That has been my goal since I started college, maybe even high school. Once again, I got lucky, things worked out for me, and I get what I want! :-)

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 18:56:03 GMT

Sometimes I question if I really think things through, like my work schedule. I needed some extra hours, Ashley needed someone to cover her shift. As a result, I'm here behind this desk for 8 hours. Most people get stir crazy after 5 hours, the longest for a shift alone here. Think I can make it? I'm expecting some spontaneous interpretive dancing to break out around 5. :-)

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 14:27:19 GMT

This semester it was going to work. I was going to hang out with my friends, stay away from troublesome boys, and end my college career relatively drama and confusion free. I forgot this is me and my life we are dealing with. Yes, I am hanging out with my friends, but even when I don't seek them out, the boys find me. But, maybe this way I can avoid the drama. But, there is a short list of problems.

I like him, he likes me. I know what I want, but it is exactly what I also don't want. i'm ready for another relationship, but I don't know if that is what he wants. And, even if it is, I leave in 3 months.

Second, I don't want poor Lindsay to be trapped in the middle again if something goes wrong. It already happened to her once, though I guess she stumbled into that one.

Third, I've forgotten how to deal with this. If a guy doesn't try to sleep with me right away, I'm not exactly sure how to proceede. I really like it, I think the fact he hasn't tried shows a lot about him, and if he actually likes me. But, that doesn't mean he can't at least go for the kiss...

I guess things will all work out how they should. I just know this time I'm not going to set myself up to get hurt. I'm always aware that is a possibility, but that doesn't mean I have to seek it out. And, I have to remember I know what I'm worth and what I deserve. I don't have to settle for less.

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 01:23:08 GMT

I once had a friend tell me that one thing he admires about me is that I know what I want, and don't settle for less, especially in a relationship. But, right now I think I am, but I'm not yet willing to stop myself. I really like Derek, and from the way he keeps in contact, I think he likes me. But, I don't really know if is me I like, or what I represent. I hate to think that to him I'm just some girl that will amuse him late at night, and will sleep with him next time she sees him. But, I also suspect that is exactly what I am. I guess I will find out in two weeks. I'm stopping to stay with him that night in Laramie (he has a hotel room that night for something else unrelated) on my way to Denver. I know sex is planned on, on both sides. But, I can still opt out of it, even up that night if I change my mind. It isn't like I don't have other places I can go that night if needed. I think what I'm going to expect that night is that he seems glad to see me...not that if I didn't agree to it, there would be some other girl in that room. I don't like to share, even if I think I might be. And, most of all, I really hate to settle for less than I deserve!

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 02:47:46 GMT

I know I am better than what I'm being given, so why do I keep accepting it? I'm not an object, I'm a person, but I'm putting up with it. I want more, but refuse to ask for it. Is what I risk to lose worth that much? There is no denying a part of me does like it. But, that part is quickly losing to the part of me that is confident, independent, and knows what I want and deserve. Until I decide what I want, I'll keep answering the messages, I'll keep giving him what he wants, and I'll keep hoping I don't lose too much of me in the process.

Mon, 19 May 2008 04:11:04 GMT

I wasn't going to fall, but it's too late. I really, really like Derek. I guess now I just hope that people are there to help pick me up and put me back together. But, when I spend a couple hours a day texting him, and when he has helped me push just a little beyond my boundaries...well, I just really like him.

In other news, I still hate being bored, but I should get to go into the office on Wednesday. I'm really looking forward to that.

Wed, 14 May 2008 03:47:16 GMT

If I can't get Derek off my mind this is going to be a long summer!

At least I can be amused for now watching Bailey and Spike play.

Sun, 11 May 2008 04:01:16 GMT

It all seems a little unfair. I get the best grades of my college career, to have them all transfer back with no grade. I finally get to spend time with a guy I've liked since I met him, find out he is everything I was hoping for, and we only get one night together. I find friends that let me be me, not who they think I still am, and I have to leave them.

Maybe it is all unfair, but I'm glad it all has happened!

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 20:50:35 GMT

I was sitting here listening to Chris LeDoux, and it is funny what it makes me think of. I have been listening to his music since I was born, and even in time periods when I wouldn't listen to country music, I still loved Chris. In some ways, I think he has always been my connection to who I really am deep inside. He has been my connection to Wyoming. When playing the fun game of guess my major, few people can get it right. When I'm out with most of my friends, the talk turns to marching band, Star Wars, and anything else stereotypically geeky you can think of. But, if you know me, you also know that deep inside is that cowgirl wanting to be seen. I love to be out in the middle of nowhere the big, blue sky above me. I love the springtime, because it smells like cows. Part of me knows in my life I will never be satisfied living in a city, I have to be out in the wilds of Wyoming. No matter what happens in my life, I will be a "Wyoming Girl."

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 04:17:07 GMT

Can I find a major with less reading. Over the past weekend I read a 150 page EA, the chapters in the book about challenging the EA, plus some scientific journals about teratogenesis in livestock.

A pretty busy weekend, it was enough to even keep me in on a Saturday night, something that hasn't happened in a while. But, that's okay, I still made it out Thursday and Friday night. Thursday night I went with Jess, Megan, Sarah, and John (different John) and had a fishbowl (it was gigantic and amazing), then...well didn't head home. I learned some info, but not enough details to know what to do about it. Oh, but you should have seen me that afternoon, felt pretty awful, but I think that was more from lack of sleep than the drinking. Not my fault I didn't get as much sleep as I should have....;-)

Friday I had chinese food with Jessie and Jackie. After that, I went with the same people from last to the Cowboy. Some old(40s or 50s) guy taught me how to waltz, it was a lot of fun. I did actually go home after that, and then left to go elsewhere.... I am ridiculous, if I keep this up, it is going to be even harder to leave.

But, I get to register for MSU on the 18th, I get to go see some of my friends in a week. All in all, I love my life!

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:21:23 GMT

I am so torn as to how happy I really am here. Today sitting in the range lounge, I realized how much I love it here. And, when I went bowling with the Kappas on Saturday, I had a great time, as was glad I’ve gotten to know them all. I honestly felt a pang of sadness when submitting my intent to register to MSU. I hate people talking about how little time is left in the semester. I really don’t know how ready I will be to leave.

On the other hand, there is one thing making glad to leave...and that is my living situation. I was excited to get a chance to reconnect with Erika, and part of me is still glad. But, the other part of me wonders why I bothered. Or, wonders if things would be different if Melissa weren’t here. I’m tired of not being able to use my kitchen late at night or in the morning, I’m tired of being left out so much of the time. It isn’t like I want to spend all my time with them, but an invitation to join them for dinner, or just go to Wal-Mart. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the guest in my house. I didn’t realize how bad it was, until I realized I enjoy being at Hastings, just because it means like I don’t have to go back to my apartment, because I no longer feel welcome there. I really do hate living here, and I really hate that!

In other news, John is still confusing me, but at least I can feel I’ve made some progress on that, at least in my own mind.

And, I still have my friends in Bozeman that remind me frequently that they love me and miss me.

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 17:28:19 GMT

All this packing is crazy! It seems as soon as I get anything packed, everything I turned my back on multiplies. But, I feel I am making progress, most of what I have left is just clothes.....so many clothes. I think one think I will do over break is try and get rid of some! But, one benefit of moving is I'm ridiculously excited about getting to move in with Erika

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 01:42:31 GMT

As of today, I am again a member of the Spirit of the West. I guess I knew even when I first started thinking about it, that I would go back if I could...that is why I even asked. But, I also thought that maybe, just maybe I would have be able to say no. But, when decision time came, I just couldn't. I went through all the reasons to say no...really good reasons. But, when it came down to final decision time, all I could say was "measure me for my uniform." Sure, I will miss all the reasons I was using to say no, but in the end, I in the end, the lure of the band won. I realized one problem I had was I was burned out on guard. After three years of the exact same moves put in a different order, I was tired of it. Now, I have something new. If only I could get my body to stop fighting itself, wanting to stay in guard positions while learning new ones.

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 22:21:25 GMT

Student staff started band camp today, the rest of the band starts tomorrow. And, for the first time in four years, I'm not. I will be there to help people move in and such, and will be helping with the tent. But, I'm really not actually participating in band camp. I am still trying to adjust to this feeling, the whole idea of not marching...but it is harder now that it isn't definite. I need to talk to Dr. Douglass, and he might let me march despite the class conflict, but I still don't know if I will. The current decision is that if he is willing to let me march, I only will if he acts like he wants me to, like I am needed. If he is indifferent, then it is tailgating season for me!

But, when I think back to all that band has brought me, it has definitely been worth it. Through band I found my best friend. She is the person I see only once or twice a year, but also the first person I call at 3 am if I really need somebody. It brought me the friends I have now, especially Matt and Lindsay. Despite ups and downs, especially with Matt, I know they, along with everybody else are there for me. It brought me to Kappa, which has given me friends from all over the region. I love knowing there are people at other schools that know and like me. In fact, it was visiting these schools to increase our presences in the district (and keep the travel award where it belongs. :-P) that helped me find love, or at least what I hope is love, as long as I get past some other issues (but that is for a different entry).

I know some events have brought out the worst in me, I have found out I can be a gossip, can be quick to overreact, and sometimes tend to get overenthusiastic and lose sight of reality. But, by seeing these flaws, I can also take steps to fix them, and that is what life is all about. And, it is what band and Kappa is all about, letting your brothers help turn you into a better person.

My mom doesn't understand why band has such a large part of my focus. But, when I look back on all it has done for me, I can't help but understand, and I have friends that understand.