Oct. 31st, 2009
I have decided the most annoying thing is when you can't get someone out of your head, but they aren't the someone that should be there. Lately I've been dreaming a lot about Ben. Mostly it is just hanging out, playing pool like we used to, and strangely a dream about going furniture shopping. The hard part is the things Dream Ben says. In the playing pool dream, he told me his biggest regret was dating Allison and losing any chance he ever had with me. In the furniture shopping dream, he told me that he felt like he could easily fall in love with me again. I know it is all stupid and silly and just dreams. However, that isn't stopping my brain from thinking about all this. I've never really gotten over my crush on Ben, and feel like Allison stole what should have been mine. I'm just sad I didn't get another chance after they broke up. The worst part of it is I want to get back in touch with him, but don't know how. We haven't talked since he started dating Allison, then I left for Wyoming, and he didn't really come back to the friends she caused him to lose. Whenever I do see him, things are awkward, and I don't even know how he would feel if I tried to initiate contact again. I hate not knowing what to say to somebody that used to be one of my closest friends! I hate to think I lost him forever, and obviously it really upsets my subconscious. But, in the end, I think it has already happened, and there isn't anything I can do about it, except mourn and wonder what kind of strange things we'll do in my dreams next. And, hate Allison, but that is always a given.
Sep. 9th, 2009
Finally finished the rough draft of my thesis proposal. I'm so glad to have that done, now to just do about 37 thousand revisions of it, and then turn it into a thesis, and then defend it, and then graduate with my fancy degree! It is nice to feel like I've finally taken a step toward that. Even the field work didn't quite feel like it since I've spent almost every summer out in the field for the past 5 or so years. I'm also glad I got it done so I could relax over Labor Day weekend in Bozeman.
The long weekend was fun. Nick and I were a lovely combination between me and my semi-useless left arm and his broken thumb and allergies. But, it was nice to spend time with him. I feel a little bad for not spending more time with Lindsay. But, while Nick is fun and nice to be around, she is just so negative. I sometimes feel like the best thing she could do is seek professional help. I don't see how someone can function full of so much negativity. I can't keep taking it on a trying to help her. I have enough of my own stress to deal with, I can't take all of hers on too, especially if she is just going to complain about it, not actually do anything about it. Oh well.
I guess other than that, things are pretty good for me. I love Moscow, and am finally making friends here. I'm in range club, part of a study group for my statistics class, and just generally getting more comfortable here. I do spend more time that I would really like alone, but I'm getting used to it, and part of me likes it. I'm really kind of a solitary person, and okay with it.
Jun. 7th, 2009
Mar. 2nd, 2009
I just booked my tickets for sunny San Diego. I'm way super excited for this trip! Except Seattle I've never been to the West Coast, and I haven't been to the beach in years when I went in North Carolina. Lindsay and I are starting to discuss things to do while there. We might go on a super sweet whale and other wildlife watching trip. That would be fabulous. There is also talk of Tijuana, Legoland, and of course beach. I have been promised beach, and I demand beach! And shopping. I don't necessarily want to go shopping, but if we could go somewhere with lots of local stores, I would be so very happy and have a great time. I can't wait!
Feb. 25th, 2009
I really feel like I should post here more, but I'm not so good at the witty life observations, rarely have random links or pictures to post, and the rest of my life seems to be "miss bozeman, moscow is great, nick is dumb but I still really like him." I guess it is good, but in some ways a little sad I have so little to talk about. Or, maybe I have more and am just not realizing it.
I leave for my spring break in San Diego for a few weeks, but fear it is not going to be everything I want. Sure, there will be sun and beach, but I'm going to be staying with somebody I don't know, am going to be a third wheel, and even if I see and think Lindsay is getting in over her head, I can't say or do anything. Problem is I've been through a lot of what she is happening to her. The situations aren't identical, but similar. I want to tell her it is a bad idea, I want to protect her from whatever I think is going to happen, but I know that sin't going to work. I owudln't have listened to anybody, she won't listen to me. She's even admitted as much, and I really can't blame her. I guess I'm just going to have to sit and wait and hope things end up okay. And keep in mind that even if the trip to San Diego isn't perfect, I get beach and warm and sunshine!
Feb. 19th, 2009
12:05 pm - Writer's Block: Jackpot
Part of me want to do the practical paying off of student loans, pay off my parent's house, take those trips to Russia and Greece I've always wanted and then set the rest aside.
But, the other part of me knows that would never get set aside. I"m getting me that my Shelby Cobra, and a puppy, and a shopping spree where I can buy expensive clothes that look awesome on me because if they don't a very expensive tailor will fix that fact.
Dec. 28th, 2008
I finally graduated college! Well, I did it a week ago, but it still doesn't seem real. I didn't get the Pomp and Circumstance commencement ceremony (why does MSU hate its December grads?), I'm still going on to more school, and I am still in some denial since I don't want to leave Bozeman. It seems like I finally get happy somewhere and I have to leave. It happened in high school when I finally figured out where I belonged, then graduated. The semester in Wyoming made me feel like I really belonged there, I had my cousin, my amazing range friends, and my awesome Kappa friends. It was such a great time, but I only got a semester there. Then, this last semester I found a really great friend in Lindsay and some other happy things, and now I'm out of there. It wasn't perfect, it got a little boring being at the same place doing the same thing each day, but the people made it worth it.
But, on the other side of all that, I'm so ridiculously excited for graduate school That has been my goal since I started college, maybe even high school. Once again, I got lucky, things worked out for me, and I get what I want! :-)
Sep. 21st, 2008
Sometimes I question if I really think things through, like my work schedule. I needed some extra hours, Ashley needed someone to cover her shift. As a result, I'm here behind this desk for 8 hours. Most people get stir crazy after 5 hours, the longest for a shift alone here. Think I can make it? I'm expecting some spontaneous interpretive dancing to break out around 5. :-)
Sep. 17th, 2008
This semester it was going to work. I was going to hang out with my friends, stay away from troublesome boys, and end my college career relatively drama and confusion free. I forgot this is me and my life we are dealing with. Yes, I am hanging out with my friends, but even when I don't seek them out, the boys find me. But, maybe this way I can avoid the drama. But, there is a short list of problems.
I like him, he likes me. I know what I want, but it is exactly what I also don't want. i'm ready for another relationship, but I don't know if that is what he wants. And, even if it is, I leave in 3 months.
Second, I don't want poor Lindsay to be trapped in the middle again if something goes wrong. It already happened to her once, though I guess she stumbled into that one.
Third, I've forgotten how to deal with this. If a guy doesn't try to sleep with me right away, I'm not exactly sure how to proceede. I really like it, I think the fact he hasn't tried shows a lot about him, and if he actually likes me. But, that doesn't mean he can't at least go for the kiss...
I guess things will all work out how they should. I just know this time I'm not going to set myself up to get hurt. I'm always aware that is a possibility, but that doesn't mean I have to seek it out. And, I have to remember I know what I'm worth and what I deserve. I don't have to settle for less.
Jun. 27th, 2008
I once had a friend tell me that one thing he admires about me is that I know what I want, and don't settle for less, especially in a relationship. But, right now I think I am, but I'm not yet willing to stop myself. I really like Derek, and from the way he keeps in contact, I think he likes me. But, I don't really know if is me I like, or what I represent. I hate to think that to him I'm just some girl that will amuse him late at night, and will sleep with him next time she sees him. But, I also suspect that is exactly what I am. I guess I will find out in two weeks. I'm stopping to stay with him that night in Laramie (he has a hotel room that night for something else unrelated) on my way to Denver. I know sex is planned on, on both sides. But, I can still opt out of it, even up that night if I change my mind. It isn't like I don't have other places I can go that night if needed. I think what I'm going to expect that night is that he seems glad to see me...not that if I didn't agree to it, there would be some other girl in that room. I don't like to share, even if I think I might be. And, most of all, I really hate to settle for less than I deserve!
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